Malikah Caesar (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
captain_cleavage) wrote2012-07-02 06:05 pm
captain_cleavage) wrote2012-07-02 06:05 pm
Entry tags:
OOC: Skits That Will Never Be.
Because it's easier than writing full-fledged fics. :| Listed in no particular order, and forever a WIP.
RE: the strikethroughs -- they're skits that I wrote that ended up not fitting with Malikah's "canon", but they still amuse me too much to just bahleet off here entirely.
HUBERT: Captain...might I have a word with you?
MALIKAH: Sure thing, Hubert. What is it?
HUBERT: I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. But, as unfathomable as it is, it seems that you are wholly unaware of your fashion faux pas, and no one else in this ragtag band seems to be willing or able to inform you of it.
MALIKAH: What do you mean?
HUBERT: Your shirt, Captain! It is far too low-cut to be anything remotely decent! How could you just walk around showing all of...that? Have you no shame?
MALIKAH: Quite the contrary. This has been a never-ending source of misery and despair for me. I can't tell you how much time I've spent over the years trying to address it. Unfortunately, it seems I'm just too big for any normal shirt to handle.
HUBERT: !!!
MALIKAH: But...perhaps you could manage to find me something that would fit...?
HUBERT: N-no! Absolutely not!
MALIKAH: Then I have no choice but to keep things a little loose in the front so I can breathe. You understand, right?
HUBERT: ...!
[HUBERT exits]
MALIKAH: Heh. Too easy...
[ASBEL enters]
ASBEL: Um, Captain, do you know why Hubert just demanded we find a tailor in the next town?
MALIKAH: Oh, that? Well, your brother seems quite intent on updating my wardrobe. He claims my clothes are painfully old-fashioned.
ASBEL: Huh?
PASCAL: Heeeeeey-o, Little Bro! Checkin' out the Cap, are ya?
HUBERT: Wh-what? No!
PASCAL: Aww, come on, no need to be shy about it! She's pretty va-va-voom, after all. I think everyone's given her a looksee at some point in their lives. Even your own brother!
HUBERT: Pascal...!
PASCAL: So don't feel bad about staring! Heck, I was just staring at her a moment ago, myself! Good thing we have her to look at when we're surrounded by all this depressing scenery, huh?
HUBERT: Pascal, how could you be so...so...shallow?
PASCAL: Huh?
HUBERT: The Captain's beauty is far more than skin-deep! It is an insult to limit an appreciation of her to merely her looks when there is so much more to her!
PASCAL: Really? Like what?
HUBERT: Well, for starters, she's...wait, do you mean to say that you have no idea at all about her positive qualities?!
MALIKAH: Is everything all right? I heard yelling.
HUBERT: Nothing! It's nothing!
SOPHIE: Hmm...
MALIKAH: What is it, Sophie?
SOPHIE: Why is your chest so big?
MALIKAH: Hmm...well, it's where all my strength comes from.
SOPHIE: Really? So if I had a big chest, I could be as strong as you?
MALIKAH: Maybe! But you're already strong, so you shouldn't worry about it.
SOPHIE: (...am I...already strong?)
SOPHIE: ...
CHERIA: Oh, hey, Sophie! Did you need something?
SOPHIE: Cheria...how do you get a big chest?
CHERIA: Wh-what?! Why are you asking that?
SOPHIE: The Captain said her chest is big because it's where all her strength comes from. So I want a big chest so I can be strong enough to protect everyone.
CHERIA: No! That's...ugh, why is the Captain saying such things? Listen...I think what she meant is that you need a big heart to be strong.
SOPHIE: A big heart?
CHERIA: Mm-hmm! Well, not literally, of course. But if you care deeply about others, that gives you the strength to go on when things are tough. When you're more worried about the well-being of others instead of your own, you're more motivated to overcome your trials, because you want to make sure your loved ones are okay.
SOPHIE: I see...do you think I have a big heart?
CHERIA: Definitely! If you didn't, you wouldn't be worried about not being able to protect those you care about.
SOPHIE: Oh, okay. Thanks, Cheria. It makes me happy to hear that. But...then why does the Captain have a big chest if it's not where her strength comes from?
CHERIA: Hoo, boy...
Adapted from Filial Piety.
ASBEL: So, how is your foster father doing these days, Hubert?
HUBERT: Well, he spent quite a bit of time moping around the house.
ASBEL: Was he sick?
HUBERT: No, it's from when the president discovered his plan to take over Lhant. You can imagine the repercussions he had to face as a direct result. I won't lie -- those were tough times, but now my father and the president seem to be getting along far better than they were before.
MALIKAH: So all the talk about you marrying the president's daughter stems from that?
HUBERT: Hmm...yes, that may be the case.
MALIKAH: Regardless, you should treasure the time you have left with your father. You don't know how long his health will hold, and I'm sure he still has things to teach you.
HUBERT: There isn't much I care to hear from that particular father.
MALIKAH: The more I see of men like you, the more I'm glad I never wanted sons.
ASBEL: Are you saying you'd rather have daughters then, Captain Malikah?
MALIKAH: Sure. Three or four of them, maybe. I'd love to raise a generation of strong women.
HUBERT: Judging from the way you handle the girls in our group, I think you would do quite well with daughters.
MALIKAH: Thank you, Hubert. But...I fear I may be too old now to fulfill my dream of motherhood...
HUBERT: Nonsense, Captain! I'm sure there are many men out there who would love to have daughters with you, regardless of your age!
MALIKAH: That's...not quite what I meant.
ASBEL & HUBERT: What?
Adapted from Sentimental Journey.
CHERIA: I'm surprised you're still unmarried, Captain.
ASBEL: Yeah, especially at your age!
MALIKAH: Was that necessary?
ASBEL: You know, I never really thought about it before, but...do you even have a boyfriend?
MALIKAH: No.
ASBEL: Wow, really? Well, I guess you must've been too busy with teaching at the Knight Academy to worry about that kind of thing. But I'm sure that any guy would go out with you if you asked him!
MALIKAH: Oh? So...will you go out with me, Asbel?
ASBEL: What?
MALIKAH: In truth, the reason I don't have a boyfriend now...is because I was hoping you would become my boyfriend.
CHERIA: Captain!
ASBEL: Are you serious?!
MALIKAH: I'm sorry, Asbel. I've tried my best to hide my feelings for you through all these years of being your teacher. But I can't hold them in any longer!
ASBEL: Um...I think I should go! Sorry!
[ASBEL exits]
CHERIA: Captain, I...I can't believe that you actually feel that way about --
MALIKAH: I don't.
CHERIA: Huh?
MALIKAH: Of course I don't have any interest in Asbel. There's one person that he's meant for and it's not me. Now go chase after him.
CHERIA: R-right!
[CHERIA exits]
MALIKAH: Thanks to those two, I can't help but think...you'd want me to find someone, wouldn't you, Lorelia? You were always saying that no one should ever be alone. You couldn't understand why anyone would choose to live that way. I'd explain it to you if you were here, but...if you were here, then I wouldn't be alone, would I?
HUBERT: It's rather odd, isn't it?
ASBEL: What is?
HUBERT: Our traveling party is over half female. You and I are the only men here.
ASBEL: Huh. Now that you mention it, that is pretty funny, huh? But...I never really thought of Captain Malikah as female.
HUBERT: What? How could you not?
ASBEL: Well...she always seemed like a man in a woman's body to me.
HUBERT: !!!
MALIKAH: (*Laughs*)
RICHARD: I wonder whether it would be better for me to return to Barona. We've come so far in repairing Windor, but there is still a lot that needs to be done. And I fear I am only a burden to all of you.
HUBERT: For what it's worth, your Majesty, I find that your presence has been helpful here.
RICHARD: How so?
HUBERT: Our traveling party has had a strong female presence ever since I joined. As such, you help balance things out a little.
RICHARD: I see your point. Captain Malikah is quite the dominating woman, after all.
HUBERT: I wasn't referring to her in particular.
RICHARD: But you agree with my assessment?
HUBERT: I don't see how my opinion of her is relevant to this conversation.
RICHARD: It just seems to me that she accounts for at least seventy-five percent of the female influence here.
HUBERT: That doesn't make any sense. There are four girls in our party, so one of them can't account for more than twenty-five percent of the overall influence.
RICHARD: Which only proves what an anomaly the captain is. However, even if what you say is true, the solution is the same. If the gender dynamics in this group are to be truly balanced, then the most effective course of action would be to remove one of the girls from it. And that means sending the captain back to Fendel to resume her ambassadorial duties.
HUBERT: Wait, what? No!
RICHARD: It's settled. I'll inform her of her dismissal immediately!
[RICHARD exits]
HUBERT: Your Majesty, stop! Come back!
ASBEL: Hubert, what is wrong with you? Why do you have to be so harsh with Captain Malikah?
HUBERT: I don't see why you're singling out my treatment of her when it's the exact same way I address anyone acting foolish in our group.
ASBEL: Do you still not like her, even after all this time?
RICHARD: On the contrary, Asbel, I think Hubert's problem is that he likes the Captain a little too much.
ASBEL: Huh?
HUBERT: I'll thank you not to insinuate such sordid things!
RICHARD: I'm impressed that you don't find her age to be a barrier.
HUBERT: She is a mature, confident woman refined by her years in this world, not some decrepit grandmother! There's a huge difference!
RICHARD: I rest my case.
MALIKAH: *Sigh*
SOPHIE: What's wrong, Captain?
MALIKAH: The longer I stay with you kids, the more gray hairs I seem to grow.
SOPHIE: Really? Why?
MALIKAH: I thought that being immersed in the vigor of youth would save me from the ravages of time. Instead, it just seems that you're all stealing away what little youth I have left.
SOPHIE: No! I didn't steal anything from you!
MALIKAH: I'm sure you didn't, Sophie. Hmm...but Cheria's been giving me weird looks lately. I bet she's the culprit.
SOPHIE: Why would Cheria steal your youth?
MALIKAH: Why, she wants to stay pretty for Asbel, of course. But if she steals too much youth, she'll turn back into a baby! Sophie, you have to stop her before that happens!
SOPHIE: Okay. What should I do?
MALIKAH: Just sneak up on her when she's not looking and pull out a few strands of her hair. That's where all her extra youth is stored.
SOPHIE: Got it!
CHERIA: Oww! Sophie, what was that for?
SOPHIE: Give back the Captain's youth, you thief!
MALIKAH: Mmm, nothing like an ice-cold popsicle to beat the heat. *Slurp*
HUBERT: Captain, why are you eating it like that?
MALIKAH: *Slurp* Like what?
HUBERT: Like that.
MALIKAH: I don't know what you mean.
HUBERT: You're...licking it.
MALIKAH: Well, yes. That's generally how one eats a popsicle, you know.
HUBERT: But not like that! Y-you're doing it in a strange way!
MALIKAH: Am I? ...oh, dear. I never knew. In that case, can you show me how it's done?
HUBERT: Absolutely not! I shouldn't have to teach a grown woman how to eat properly!
MALIKAH: That's a shame. I was looking forward to learning. I guess I'll just have to continue in my wayward ways. *Slurp*
HUBERT: (This insufferable woman...!)
Adapted from A Girl In Every Port.
HUBERT: We need to do something about the monsters in these ruins as expediently as possible.
MALIKAH: Doing so will earn you further accolades and raise your stock. Soon the president will beg to have you as his son-in-law!
HUBERT: Please, that's enough. It is not the sort of decision one should be coerced into making.
ASBEL: He's right.
RICHARD: But it's a truth of marriage. The higher you rise, the less your own opinions matter.
ASBEL: You too, Richard?
RICHARD: Oh, yes. An endless stream of Windor nobility keeps pestering me about their eligible daughters.
MALIKAH: You must admit, though, that it's convenient to have prospects presented to you, rather than searching them out yourself. I'm envious of that.
RICHARD: You don't say? But I've heard talk that you've got both beautiful women and handsome men waiting for you at every port in the land. If anything, I should be envious of you for your array of options.
HUBERT: What? Is that true, Captain?
MALIKAH: Well, I suppose I can't rule out the possibility of having charmed a few people completely by accident...
ASBEL: C'mon, guys, this is crazy. I don't want to select a wife like I'm shopping from a catalogue!
Adapted from Selective Memory.
ASBEL: If you don't mind me asking, how long ago was it that you and Kurt started the revolution?
MALIKAH: It was approximately 20 years ago. It wasn't just us, though.
ASBEL: Really?
MALIKAH: There was...a young woman, as well.
CHERIA: But you were really close with Kurt, right? Come on, tell us all about him!
ASBEL: Ch-Cheria?
MALIKAH: ...what do you want to know?
CHERIA: Everything! Oh, but I guess this is kind of heavy stuff, huh? Okay, let's start small! What was Kurt's favorite food?
MALIKAH: Huh. I've never seen her show such interest in another man's past, and one she barely knows, too. Is this really flying with you, Asbel?
ASBEL: Another man?
CHERIA: Eek!
SOPHIE: Here, Captain. Cheria made some banana pie.
MALIKAH: Thank you for the offer, but I'm afraid I can't accept.
SOPHIE: Why not? It's delicious.
MALIKAH: That's the problem. Once I have one slice, I won't be able to stop eating more. And then my hips will puff out like a balloon.
SOPHIE: Like a balloon...so does that mean you'll float away?
MALIKAH: Yes. So as you can see, it's very dangerous for me to eat a lot.
SOPHIE: Hmm...
MALIKAH: Sophie, what are you doing?!
SOPHIE: I've tied your leg to the table so you won't float away. Now you can eat as much as you want.
MALIKAH: Somehow this doesn't make me feel any better...
Adapted from A Prospect For Hubert.
OSWELL: Welcome back, Hubert. How are things progressing?
HUBERT: We have obstacles, but none that cannot be overcome.
OSWELL: Good, good. But now, we have another matter to discuss.
[HUBERT glances down uncomfortably]
OSWELL: I'm currently in talks to reestablish myself as a player in Strahta's political machine. The president and I had our differences, yes, but that's all behind us now. I am counting on you, Hubert. Do not fail me!
[OSWELL exits; ASBEL, MALIKAH, and RICHARD approach]
MALIKAH: He's talking about marriage, isn't he?
HUBERT: I fear he will be disappointed. I have no interest in marrying the president's daughter.
MALIKAH: Then you'd best refuse him quickly.
ASBEL: I don't get it, Hubert. Why are you so against the idea?
MALIKAH: I'm sure he has his reasons. [to HUBERT] In situations such as these, you must be both clear and firm. To do anything else would invite disaster.
HUBERT: I am aware of that, Captain. It's just...
[MALIKAH and RICHARD exchange glances]
RICHARD: You fear that you don't have a persuasive enough reasoning for your refusal.
HUBERT: .........
RICHARD: Well, you're still young. Perhaps you can claim you're not ready for the responsibility of a family.
HUBERT: Yes, but married life changes reality for everyone. I don't see why that would be any different for me.
MALIKAH: What if you said you didn't want to marry until your military position was more secure?
HUBERT: I'm already a lieutenant!
MALIKAH: Bah. Titles are meaningless...
HUBERT: If I wished it, I could have thousands of troops at my command!
MALIKAH: All right, fine. Then tell him ladies at every port of call have fallen for your good looks.
HUBERT: That's a terrible idea! I want to avoid a marriage, not lose the respect of the people.
MALIKAH: ...I'm starting to think you don't want to avoid this marriage at all.
HUBERT: Well, not with these awful ideas, I don't!
[HUBERT hangs his head as ASBEL and MALIKAH glance at each other; RICHARD steps forward]
RICHARD: Then you're left with no choice but to tell him you're already in love with someone else.
[ASBEL looks surprised]
HUBERT: Wh-what?! I'm not in love with anyone!
MALIKAH: No one has to know that.
HUBERT: Are you suggesting that I lie about this?
RICHARD: You speak as though the captain hasn't already suggested it.
ASBEL: I'm really confused right now...
MALIKAH: Don't worry about it, Asbel.
HUBERT: And what if people ask who's caught my eye?
RICHARD: Then talk about her.
HUBERT: You can't possibly -- I already told you I'm not in love with anyone!
RICHARD: Make someone up!
HUBERT: But once word gets around, people will want to investigate her. If it turns out my story doesn't hold up, my overall integrity will be in question.
RICHARD: You needn't be too detailed, as long as she sounds plausible. ...ah, I know. Say that she's a lady who prefers her privacy, so you don't wish to talk about her to others because you don't know if things will work out with her.
HUBERT: Your Majesty...?
MALIKAH: .........
RICHARD: It's true that being stingy with the details will spur even more curiosity about your secret flame. On the other hand, such consideration for your lady's wishes, along with your prudence regarding simply jumping into things, should speak well of you in spite of your refusal.
HUBERT: Yet, to suggest that the relationship between this...lady...and I wouldn't work out...
RICHARD: If there is a chance that this is a passing fancy, it may be chalked up to youthful capriciousness, which no one can fault you for. Both your father and the president should drop the topic -- at least for long enough for you to concoct a more solid reason.
HUBERT: ...well, at any rate, I have no plans to marry the president's daughter, and no interest in the political ambitions of my father. In order to support this country in the future, I must maintain my connection to the common people. Because if there's one lesson I've learned recently...it's that a country cannot hope to survive when those who are supposed to lead it distance themselves from their people.
MALIKAH: Heh. Well said.
HUBERT: Now, then. Let's be off.
[HUBERT turns and heads for the exit, followed by RICHARD; ASBEL starts to follow, but notices MALIKAH hanging back]
MALIKAH: This is going to be a problem, isn't it...
ASBEL: Captain?
MALIKAH: Never mind. Let's go.
Adapted from A Prospect For Hubert.
OSWELL: Welcome back, Hubert. How are things progressing?
HUBERT: We have obstacles, but none that cannot be overcome.
OSWELL: Good, good. But now, we have another matter to discuss.
[HUBERT glances down uncomfortably]
OSWELL: I'm currently in talks to reestablish myself as a player in Strahta's political machine. The president and I had our differences, yes, but that's all behind us now. I am counting on you, Hubert. Do not fail me!
[OSWELL exits; ASBEL, PASCAL, and RICHARD approach]
RICHARD: He's referring to marriage, isn't he?
HUBERT: I fear he will be disappointed. I have no interest in marrying the president's daughter.
RICHARD: If that is so, you'll have to refuse him quickly.
ASBEL: I don't get it, Hubert. Why are you so against the idea?
PASCAL: Duuuuuh! He's all goo-goo gushy for the Captain, that's why!
ASBEL: What?
HUBERT: Pascal, keep your voice down! And Captain Malikah has absolutely no relevance to this conversation whatsoever.
RICHARD: On the contrary, I think she's very relevant. At the very least, she'd be interested in learning about this piece of news.
ASBEL: Why would the Captain care about Hubert getting married or not?
PASCAL: She doesn't!
ASBEL: Then why --
HUBERT: Enough! We are getting sidetracked from the main issue. If I am to turn down this marriage, I'll need a viable reason for it.
RICHARD: Well, you're still young. Perhaps you can claim that you're not ready for the responsibility of a family.
HUBERT: True, but that excuse leaves open the possibility of this marriage happening in the future.
PASCAL: Ooh, ooh! What if you said you didn't like the president's daughter?
HUBERT: I haven't even met her yet! And the president would be insulted if I said such a thing about his own child.
PASCAL: Hmm, yeah, I guess he'd be pretty cheesed off, wouldn't he? ...I dunno, Little Bro. Maybe you should just tell the truth.
HUBERT: Wh-what? No!
RICHARD: It would certainly be the simplest route. However, being in love with a woman like her...that will not be an easy thing to explain.
HUBERT: I am not in love with --
PASCAL: Aw, he can just make someone else up, can't he? Or, or, I know! Little Bro can pretend he's in love with me!
HUBERT: Now see here --
PASCAL: I promise I'll bathe if I have to meet with your dad or whatever. So you can count on me to be your bogus bride!
HUBERT: I'm not going to marry you, Pascal! Point of fact is, I'm not going to marry anyone! In order to continue supporting this country, I must maintain my connection to the common people. Because if there's one lesson that I've learned recently...it's that a country cannot hope to survive when those who are supposed to lead it distance themselves from their people.
RICHARD: Heh. I'm sure she'd agree.
ASBEL: ...wait a minute! Hubert's in love with the Captain?!
HUBERT: ASBEL!
RICHARD: And so the light dawns...
CHERIA: Now, which one of these love charms should I get? This one is more expensive, but it's supposed to be more powerful than this one... What if I take two? Would they be stronger together? Hmph...I'd probably need three of these for him, really.
MALIKAH: Actually, I'd suggest getting that one over there.
CHERIA: Eek! C-Captain...you know about love charms?
MALIKAH: A little bit. I used to sell them myself for extra cash on the side. For your situation, I think the one with the red ribbon would be perfect.
CHERIA: Okay! I'll definitely take that, then! ...Thanks, Captain. I really appreciate it.
MALIKAH: I'm glad I could help. Oh, one thing I forgot to mention.
CHERIA: Yes?
MALIKAH: That charm will only work if you take it with you while you approach the object of your affection alone in his bedroom.
CHERIA: Wh-What?!
MALIKAH: It is fueled by your desire for him! The more aggressive you are in your pursuit, the stronger its effects are! Love favors the bold, Cheria. So seize the day, and pounce upon him like a panther in the night!
CHERIA: No way, that's... Ugh! I'm returning this!
[CHERIA exits]
MALIKAH: Kids these days don't want to work for anything...
Adapted from The Troll Still Burns.
PASCAL: A master of blades and a master of guns! You're pretty hardcore on the ol' battlefield, Little Bro.
HUBERT: I suppose there are some who have voiced that opinion.
CHERIA: In the old days, Hubert was more bookish. Actually, he was pretty much a homebody.
MALIKAH: Interesting. Your gear certainly isn't standard-issue weaponry. Was that Mr. Oswell's doing?
HUBERT: His influence and funding helped facilitate the development, but it was my own initiative that spurred the request. I had already mastered basic weaponry and thus required more of a challenge to better train myself.
MALIKAH: I see... I've seen a similar weapon once before, but never in actual use.
HUBERT: I don't see how you could have. Its very concept was a classified military secret.
ASBEL: You know, Hubert, I was just thinking... That weapon you use is the same one as our old Troll Caliber comics back home. Is that where you got the idea? Your fighting style's the same and everything.
HUBERT: Asbel!
CHERIA: Hee hee!
MALIKAH: "Military secret," indeed...
Adapted from The Marrying Type.
MALIKAH: Marriage, eh? ...It's a wonderful thing.
HUBERT: And yet you've never gotten married yourself.
MALIKAH: I suppose you could say that I was married to teaching, instead.
HUBERT: Hmm... I can't say I disapprove of your dedication to your work, but you must have been lonely at night without companionship.
MALIKAH: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't, sometimes. But it was teaching that got me out of bed in the mornings, regardless of how well I rested the night before.
HUBERT: Yet to spend your days without someone to celebrate with when things go well, or to commiserate with when things don't...without someone who brings out the best possible version of yourself...
MALIKAH: You sound quite enamored of the married life. Do you have someone in mind for your future marriage?
HUBERT: ...! I'm only stating what I've learned from observing the successful marriages I've run across! Nothing more! Don't misread my intentions, Captain!
MALIKAH: Well, you heard him, Cheria. Marriage is a wonderful thing. Don't you agree?
CHERIA: ....
[CHERIA imagines herself and ASBEL in wedding garb, laughing as they run towards each other]
HUBERT: Cheria?
CHERIA: Huh? Oh, right. Marriage. Yeah, sure, you should marry someone if you want. I can't imagine doing it myself...
HUBERT: Um...Cheria?
CHERIA: Waiting until you've completed all the things you want to do would be pretty selfish, wouldn't it...?
MALIKAH: *Sigh*
RE: the strikethroughs -- they're skits that I wrote that ended up not fitting with Malikah's "canon", but they still amuse me too much to just bahleet off here entirely.
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S NEW CLOTHES ❢
HUBERT: Captain...might I have a word with you?
MALIKAH: Sure thing, Hubert. What is it?
HUBERT: I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. But, as unfathomable as it is, it seems that you are wholly unaware of your fashion faux pas, and no one else in this ragtag band seems to be willing or able to inform you of it.
MALIKAH: What do you mean?
HUBERT: Your shirt, Captain! It is far too low-cut to be anything remotely decent! How could you just walk around showing all of...that? Have you no shame?
MALIKAH: Quite the contrary. This has been a never-ending source of misery and despair for me. I can't tell you how much time I've spent over the years trying to address it. Unfortunately, it seems I'm just too big for any normal shirt to handle.
HUBERT: !!!
MALIKAH: But...perhaps you could manage to find me something that would fit...?
HUBERT: N-no! Absolutely not!
MALIKAH: Then I have no choice but to keep things a little loose in the front so I can breathe. You understand, right?
HUBERT: ...!
[HUBERT exits]
MALIKAH: Heh. Too easy...
[ASBEL enters]
ASBEL: Um, Captain, do you know why Hubert just demanded we find a tailor in the next town?
MALIKAH: Oh, that? Well, your brother seems quite intent on updating my wardrobe. He claims my clothes are painfully old-fashioned.
ASBEL: Huh?
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S INNER BEAUTY ❢
PASCAL: Heeeeeey-o, Little Bro! Checkin' out the Cap, are ya?
HUBERT: Wh-what? No!
PASCAL: Aww, come on, no need to be shy about it! She's pretty va-va-voom, after all. I think everyone's given her a looksee at some point in their lives. Even your own brother!
HUBERT: Pascal...!
PASCAL: So don't feel bad about staring! Heck, I was just staring at her a moment ago, myself! Good thing we have her to look at when we're surrounded by all this depressing scenery, huh?
HUBERT: Pascal, how could you be so...so...shallow?
PASCAL: Huh?
HUBERT: The Captain's beauty is far more than skin-deep! It is an insult to limit an appreciation of her to merely her looks when there is so much more to her!
PASCAL: Really? Like what?
HUBERT: Well, for starters, she's...wait, do you mean to say that you have no idea at all about her positive qualities?!
MALIKAH: Is everything all right? I heard yelling.
HUBERT: Nothing! It's nothing!
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S SOURCE OF STRENGTH ❢
SOPHIE: Hmm...
MALIKAH: What is it, Sophie?
SOPHIE: Why is your chest so big?
MALIKAH: Hmm...well, it's where all my strength comes from.
SOPHIE: Really? So if I had a big chest, I could be as strong as you?
MALIKAH: Maybe! But you're already strong, so you shouldn't worry about it.
SOPHIE: (...am I...already strong?)
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S LIES EXPOSED ❢
SOPHIE: ...
CHERIA: Oh, hey, Sophie! Did you need something?
SOPHIE: Cheria...how do you get a big chest?
CHERIA: Wh-what?! Why are you asking that?
SOPHIE: The Captain said her chest is big because it's where all her strength comes from. So I want a big chest so I can be strong enough to protect everyone.
CHERIA: No! That's...ugh, why is the Captain saying such things? Listen...I think what she meant is that you need a big heart to be strong.
SOPHIE: A big heart?
CHERIA: Mm-hmm! Well, not literally, of course. But if you care deeply about others, that gives you the strength to go on when things are tough. When you're more worried about the well-being of others instead of your own, you're more motivated to overcome your trials, because you want to make sure your loved ones are okay.
SOPHIE: I see...do you think I have a big heart?
CHERIA: Definitely! If you didn't, you wouldn't be worried about not being able to protect those you care about.
SOPHIE: Oh, okay. Thanks, Cheria. It makes me happy to hear that. But...then why does the Captain have a big chest if it's not where her strength comes from?
CHERIA: Hoo, boy...
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S DREAM FAMILY ❢
Adapted from Filial Piety.
ASBEL: So, how is your foster father doing these days, Hubert?
HUBERT: Well, he spent quite a bit of time moping around the house.
ASBEL: Was he sick?
HUBERT: No, it's from when the president discovered his plan to take over Lhant. You can imagine the repercussions he had to face as a direct result. I won't lie -- those were tough times, but now my father and the president seem to be getting along far better than they were before.
MALIKAH: So all the talk about you marrying the president's daughter stems from that?
HUBERT: Hmm...yes, that may be the case.
MALIKAH: Regardless, you should treasure the time you have left with your father. You don't know how long his health will hold, and I'm sure he still has things to teach you.
HUBERT: There isn't much I care to hear from that particular father.
MALIKAH: The more I see of men like you, the more I'm glad I never wanted sons.
ASBEL: Are you saying you'd rather have daughters then, Captain Malikah?
MALIKAH: Sure. Three or four of them, maybe. I'd love to raise a generation of strong women.
HUBERT: Judging from the way you handle the girls in our group, I think you would do quite well with daughters.
MALIKAH: Thank you, Hubert. But...I fear I may be too old now to fulfill my dream of motherhood...
HUBERT: Nonsense, Captain! I'm sure there are many men out there who would love to have daughters with you, regardless of your age!
MALIKAH: That's...not quite what I meant.
ASBEL & HUBERT: What?
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S LOST LOVE ❢
Adapted from Sentimental Journey.
CHERIA: I'm surprised you're still unmarried, Captain.
ASBEL: Yeah, especially at your age!
MALIKAH: Was that necessary?
ASBEL: You know, I never really thought about it before, but...do you even have a boyfriend?
MALIKAH: No.
ASBEL: Wow, really? Well, I guess you must've been too busy with teaching at the Knight Academy to worry about that kind of thing. But I'm sure that any guy would go out with you if you asked him!
MALIKAH: Oh? So...will you go out with me, Asbel?
ASBEL: What?
MALIKAH: In truth, the reason I don't have a boyfriend now...is because I was hoping you would become my boyfriend.
CHERIA: Captain!
ASBEL: Are you serious?!
MALIKAH: I'm sorry, Asbel. I've tried my best to hide my feelings for you through all these years of being your teacher. But I can't hold them in any longer!
ASBEL: Um...I think I should go! Sorry!
[ASBEL exits]
CHERIA: Captain, I...I can't believe that you actually feel that way about --
MALIKAH: I don't.
CHERIA: Huh?
MALIKAH: Of course I don't have any interest in Asbel. There's one person that he's meant for and it's not me. Now go chase after him.
CHERIA: R-right!
[CHERIA exits]
MALIKAH: Thanks to those two, I can't help but think...you'd want me to find someone, wouldn't you, Lorelia? You were always saying that no one should ever be alone. You couldn't understand why anyone would choose to live that way. I'd explain it to you if you were here, but...if you were here, then I wouldn't be alone, would I?
❢ THE CAPTAIN DOESN'T COUNT ❢
HUBERT: It's rather odd, isn't it?
ASBEL: What is?
HUBERT: Our traveling party is over half female. You and I are the only men here.
ASBEL: Huh. Now that you mention it, that is pretty funny, huh? But...I never really thought of Captain Malikah as female.
HUBERT: What? How could you not?
ASBEL: Well...she always seemed like a man in a woman's body to me.
HUBERT: !!!
MALIKAH: (*Laughs*)
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S WOMANLY CHARMS ❢
RICHARD: I wonder whether it would be better for me to return to Barona. We've come so far in repairing Windor, but there is still a lot that needs to be done. And I fear I am only a burden to all of you.
HUBERT: For what it's worth, your Majesty, I find that your presence has been helpful here.
RICHARD: How so?
HUBERT: Our traveling party has had a strong female presence ever since I joined. As such, you help balance things out a little.
RICHARD: I see your point. Captain Malikah is quite the dominating woman, after all.
HUBERT: I wasn't referring to her in particular.
RICHARD: But you agree with my assessment?
HUBERT: I don't see how my opinion of her is relevant to this conversation.
RICHARD: It just seems to me that she accounts for at least seventy-five percent of the female influence here.
HUBERT: That doesn't make any sense. There are four girls in our party, so one of them can't account for more than twenty-five percent of the overall influence.
RICHARD: Which only proves what an anomaly the captain is. However, even if what you say is true, the solution is the same. If the gender dynamics in this group are to be truly balanced, then the most effective course of action would be to remove one of the girls from it. And that means sending the captain back to Fendel to resume her ambassadorial duties.
HUBERT: Wait, what? No!
RICHARD: It's settled. I'll inform her of her dismissal immediately!
[RICHARD exits]
HUBERT: Your Majesty, stop! Come back!
❢ THE CAPTAIN IS NOT OLD, DAMMIT ❢
ASBEL: Hubert, what is wrong with you? Why do you have to be so harsh with Captain Malikah?
HUBERT: I don't see why you're singling out my treatment of her when it's the exact same way I address anyone acting foolish in our group.
ASBEL: Do you still not like her, even after all this time?
RICHARD: On the contrary, Asbel, I think Hubert's problem is that he likes the Captain a little too much.
ASBEL: Huh?
HUBERT: I'll thank you not to insinuate such sordid things!
RICHARD: I'm impressed that you don't find her age to be a barrier.
HUBERT: She is a mature, confident woman refined by her years in this world, not some decrepit grandmother! There's a huge difference!
RICHARD: I rest my case.
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S GRAY HAIRS ❢
MALIKAH: *Sigh*
SOPHIE: What's wrong, Captain?
MALIKAH: The longer I stay with you kids, the more gray hairs I seem to grow.
SOPHIE: Really? Why?
MALIKAH: I thought that being immersed in the vigor of youth would save me from the ravages of time. Instead, it just seems that you're all stealing away what little youth I have left.
SOPHIE: No! I didn't steal anything from you!
MALIKAH: I'm sure you didn't, Sophie. Hmm...but Cheria's been giving me weird looks lately. I bet she's the culprit.
SOPHIE: Why would Cheria steal your youth?
MALIKAH: Why, she wants to stay pretty for Asbel, of course. But if she steals too much youth, she'll turn back into a baby! Sophie, you have to stop her before that happens!
SOPHIE: Okay. What should I do?
MALIKAH: Just sneak up on her when she's not looking and pull out a few strands of her hair. That's where all her extra youth is stored.
SOPHIE: Got it!
CHERIA: Oww! Sophie, what was that for?
SOPHIE: Give back the Captain's youth, you thief!
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S EATING HABITS ❢
MALIKAH: Mmm, nothing like an ice-cold popsicle to beat the heat. *Slurp*
HUBERT: Captain, why are you eating it like that?
MALIKAH: *Slurp* Like what?
HUBERT: Like that.
MALIKAH: I don't know what you mean.
HUBERT: You're...licking it.
MALIKAH: Well, yes. That's generally how one eats a popsicle, you know.
HUBERT: But not like that! Y-you're doing it in a strange way!
MALIKAH: Am I? ...oh, dear. I never knew. In that case, can you show me how it's done?
HUBERT: Absolutely not! I shouldn't have to teach a grown woman how to eat properly!
MALIKAH: That's a shame. I was looking forward to learning. I guess I'll just have to continue in my wayward ways. *Slurp*
HUBERT: (This insufferable woman...!)
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S FAR-FLUNG HAREM ❢
Adapted from A Girl In Every Port.
HUBERT: We need to do something about the monsters in these ruins as expediently as possible.
MALIKAH: Doing so will earn you further accolades and raise your stock. Soon the president will beg to have you as his son-in-law!
HUBERT: Please, that's enough. It is not the sort of decision one should be coerced into making.
ASBEL: He's right.
RICHARD: But it's a truth of marriage. The higher you rise, the less your own opinions matter.
ASBEL: You too, Richard?
RICHARD: Oh, yes. An endless stream of Windor nobility keeps pestering me about their eligible daughters.
MALIKAH: You must admit, though, that it's convenient to have prospects presented to you, rather than searching them out yourself. I'm envious of that.
RICHARD: You don't say? But I've heard talk that you've got both beautiful women and handsome men waiting for you at every port in the land. If anything, I should be envious of you for your array of options.
HUBERT: What? Is that true, Captain?
MALIKAH: Well, I suppose I can't rule out the possibility of having charmed a few people completely by accident...
ASBEL: C'mon, guys, this is crazy. I don't want to select a wife like I'm shopping from a catalogue!
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S PAST FLAME(???) ❢
Adapted from Selective Memory.
ASBEL: If you don't mind me asking, how long ago was it that you and Kurt started the revolution?
MALIKAH: It was approximately 20 years ago. It wasn't just us, though.
ASBEL: Really?
MALIKAH: There was...a young woman, as well.
CHERIA: But you were really close with Kurt, right? Come on, tell us all about him!
ASBEL: Ch-Cheria?
MALIKAH: ...what do you want to know?
CHERIA: Everything! Oh, but I guess this is kind of heavy stuff, huh? Okay, let's start small! What was Kurt's favorite food?
MALIKAH: Huh. I've never seen her show such interest in another man's past, and one she barely knows, too. Is this really flying with you, Asbel?
ASBEL: Another man?
CHERIA: Eek!
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S WEIGHT PROBLEMS ❢
SOPHIE: Here, Captain. Cheria made some banana pie.
MALIKAH: Thank you for the offer, but I'm afraid I can't accept.
SOPHIE: Why not? It's delicious.
MALIKAH: That's the problem. Once I have one slice, I won't be able to stop eating more. And then my hips will puff out like a balloon.
SOPHIE: Like a balloon...so does that mean you'll float away?
MALIKAH: Yes. So as you can see, it's very dangerous for me to eat a lot.
SOPHIE: Hmm...
MALIKAH: Sophie, what are you doing?!
SOPHIE: I've tied your leg to the table so you won't float away. Now you can eat as much as you want.
MALIKAH: Somehow this doesn't make me feel any better...
❢ THE CAPTAIN IS UNSURE ABOUT THIS ❢
Adapted from A Prospect For Hubert.
OSWELL: Welcome back, Hubert. How are things progressing?
HUBERT: We have obstacles, but none that cannot be overcome.
OSWELL: Good, good. But now, we have another matter to discuss.
[HUBERT glances down uncomfortably]
OSWELL: I'm currently in talks to reestablish myself as a player in Strahta's political machine. The president and I had our differences, yes, but that's all behind us now. I am counting on you, Hubert. Do not fail me!
[OSWELL exits; ASBEL, MALIKAH, and RICHARD approach]
MALIKAH: He's talking about marriage, isn't he?
HUBERT: I fear he will be disappointed. I have no interest in marrying the president's daughter.
MALIKAH: Then you'd best refuse him quickly.
ASBEL: I don't get it, Hubert. Why are you so against the idea?
MALIKAH: I'm sure he has his reasons. [to HUBERT] In situations such as these, you must be both clear and firm. To do anything else would invite disaster.
HUBERT: I am aware of that, Captain. It's just...
[MALIKAH and RICHARD exchange glances]
RICHARD: You fear that you don't have a persuasive enough reasoning for your refusal.
HUBERT: .........
RICHARD: Well, you're still young. Perhaps you can claim you're not ready for the responsibility of a family.
HUBERT: Yes, but married life changes reality for everyone. I don't see why that would be any different for me.
MALIKAH: What if you said you didn't want to marry until your military position was more secure?
HUBERT: I'm already a lieutenant!
MALIKAH: Bah. Titles are meaningless...
HUBERT: If I wished it, I could have thousands of troops at my command!
MALIKAH: All right, fine. Then tell him ladies at every port of call have fallen for your good looks.
HUBERT: That's a terrible idea! I want to avoid a marriage, not lose the respect of the people.
MALIKAH: ...I'm starting to think you don't want to avoid this marriage at all.
HUBERT: Well, not with these awful ideas, I don't!
[HUBERT hangs his head as ASBEL and MALIKAH glance at each other; RICHARD steps forward]
RICHARD: Then you're left with no choice but to tell him you're already in love with someone else.
[ASBEL looks surprised]
HUBERT: Wh-what?! I'm not in love with anyone!
MALIKAH: No one has to know that.
HUBERT: Are you suggesting that I lie about this?
RICHARD: You speak as though the captain hasn't already suggested it.
ASBEL: I'm really confused right now...
MALIKAH: Don't worry about it, Asbel.
HUBERT: And what if people ask who's caught my eye?
RICHARD: Then talk about her.
HUBERT: You can't possibly -- I already told you I'm not in love with anyone!
RICHARD: Make someone up!
HUBERT: But once word gets around, people will want to investigate her. If it turns out my story doesn't hold up, my overall integrity will be in question.
RICHARD: You needn't be too detailed, as long as she sounds plausible. ...ah, I know. Say that she's a lady who prefers her privacy, so you don't wish to talk about her to others because you don't know if things will work out with her.
HUBERT: Your Majesty...?
MALIKAH: .........
RICHARD: It's true that being stingy with the details will spur even more curiosity about your secret flame. On the other hand, such consideration for your lady's wishes, along with your prudence regarding simply jumping into things, should speak well of you in spite of your refusal.
HUBERT: Yet, to suggest that the relationship between this...lady...and I wouldn't work out...
RICHARD: If there is a chance that this is a passing fancy, it may be chalked up to youthful capriciousness, which no one can fault you for. Both your father and the president should drop the topic -- at least for long enough for you to concoct a more solid reason.
HUBERT: ...well, at any rate, I have no plans to marry the president's daughter, and no interest in the political ambitions of my father. In order to support this country in the future, I must maintain my connection to the common people. Because if there's one lesson I've learned recently...it's that a country cannot hope to survive when those who are supposed to lead it distance themselves from their people.
MALIKAH: Heh. Well said.
HUBERT: Now, then. Let's be off.
[HUBERT turns and heads for the exit, followed by RICHARD; ASBEL starts to follow, but notices MALIKAH hanging back]
MALIKAH: This is going to be a problem, isn't it...
ASBEL: Captain?
MALIKAH: Never mind. Let's go.
❢ THE CAPTAIN IS IN THIS SCENE ONLY IN SPRIT ❢
Adapted from A Prospect For Hubert.
OSWELL: Welcome back, Hubert. How are things progressing?
HUBERT: We have obstacles, but none that cannot be overcome.
OSWELL: Good, good. But now, we have another matter to discuss.
[HUBERT glances down uncomfortably]
OSWELL: I'm currently in talks to reestablish myself as a player in Strahta's political machine. The president and I had our differences, yes, but that's all behind us now. I am counting on you, Hubert. Do not fail me!
[OSWELL exits; ASBEL, PASCAL, and RICHARD approach]
RICHARD: He's referring to marriage, isn't he?
HUBERT: I fear he will be disappointed. I have no interest in marrying the president's daughter.
RICHARD: If that is so, you'll have to refuse him quickly.
ASBEL: I don't get it, Hubert. Why are you so against the idea?
PASCAL: Duuuuuh! He's all goo-goo gushy for the Captain, that's why!
ASBEL: What?
HUBERT: Pascal, keep your voice down! And Captain Malikah has absolutely no relevance to this conversation whatsoever.
RICHARD: On the contrary, I think she's very relevant. At the very least, she'd be interested in learning about this piece of news.
ASBEL: Why would the Captain care about Hubert getting married or not?
PASCAL: She doesn't!
ASBEL: Then why --
HUBERT: Enough! We are getting sidetracked from the main issue. If I am to turn down this marriage, I'll need a viable reason for it.
RICHARD: Well, you're still young. Perhaps you can claim that you're not ready for the responsibility of a family.
HUBERT: True, but that excuse leaves open the possibility of this marriage happening in the future.
PASCAL: Ooh, ooh! What if you said you didn't like the president's daughter?
HUBERT: I haven't even met her yet! And the president would be insulted if I said such a thing about his own child.
PASCAL: Hmm, yeah, I guess he'd be pretty cheesed off, wouldn't he? ...I dunno, Little Bro. Maybe you should just tell the truth.
HUBERT: Wh-what? No!
RICHARD: It would certainly be the simplest route. However, being in love with a woman like her...that will not be an easy thing to explain.
HUBERT: I am not in love with --
PASCAL: Aw, he can just make someone else up, can't he? Or, or, I know! Little Bro can pretend he's in love with me!
HUBERT: Now see here --
PASCAL: I promise I'll bathe if I have to meet with your dad or whatever. So you can count on me to be your bogus bride!
HUBERT: I'm not going to marry you, Pascal! Point of fact is, I'm not going to marry anyone! In order to continue supporting this country, I must maintain my connection to the common people. Because if there's one lesson that I've learned recently...it's that a country cannot hope to survive when those who are supposed to lead it distance themselves from their people.
RICHARD: Heh. I'm sure she'd agree.
ASBEL: ...wait a minute! Hubert's in love with the Captain?!
HUBERT: ASBEL!
RICHARD: And so the light dawns...
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S CHARMING SCHEME ❢
CHERIA: Now, which one of these love charms should I get? This one is more expensive, but it's supposed to be more powerful than this one... What if I take two? Would they be stronger together? Hmph...I'd probably need three of these for him, really.
MALIKAH: Actually, I'd suggest getting that one over there.
CHERIA: Eek! C-Captain...you know about love charms?
MALIKAH: A little bit. I used to sell them myself for extra cash on the side. For your situation, I think the one with the red ribbon would be perfect.
CHERIA: Okay! I'll definitely take that, then! ...Thanks, Captain. I really appreciate it.
MALIKAH: I'm glad I could help. Oh, one thing I forgot to mention.
CHERIA: Yes?
MALIKAH: That charm will only work if you take it with you while you approach the object of your affection alone in his bedroom.
CHERIA: Wh-What?!
MALIKAH: It is fueled by your desire for him! The more aggressive you are in your pursuit, the stronger its effects are! Love favors the bold, Cheria. So seize the day, and pounce upon him like a panther in the night!
CHERIA: No way, that's... Ugh! I'm returning this!
[CHERIA exits]
MALIKAH: Kids these days don't want to work for anything...
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S ONTO YOU ❢
Adapted from The Troll Still Burns.
PASCAL: A master of blades and a master of guns! You're pretty hardcore on the ol' battlefield, Little Bro.
HUBERT: I suppose there are some who have voiced that opinion.
CHERIA: In the old days, Hubert was more bookish. Actually, he was pretty much a homebody.
MALIKAH: Interesting. Your gear certainly isn't standard-issue weaponry. Was that Mr. Oswell's doing?
HUBERT: His influence and funding helped facilitate the development, but it was my own initiative that spurred the request. I had already mastered basic weaponry and thus required more of a challenge to better train myself.
MALIKAH: I see... I've seen a similar weapon once before, but never in actual use.
HUBERT: I don't see how you could have. Its very concept was a classified military secret.
ASBEL: You know, Hubert, I was just thinking... That weapon you use is the same one as our old Troll Caliber comics back home. Is that where you got the idea? Your fighting style's the same and everything.
HUBERT: Asbel!
CHERIA: Hee hee!
MALIKAH: "Military secret," indeed...
❢ THE CAPTAIN'S MARRIAGE PROSPECTS ❢
Adapted from The Marrying Type.
MALIKAH: Marriage, eh? ...It's a wonderful thing.
HUBERT: And yet you've never gotten married yourself.
MALIKAH: I suppose you could say that I was married to teaching, instead.
HUBERT: Hmm... I can't say I disapprove of your dedication to your work, but you must have been lonely at night without companionship.
MALIKAH: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't, sometimes. But it was teaching that got me out of bed in the mornings, regardless of how well I rested the night before.
HUBERT: Yet to spend your days without someone to celebrate with when things go well, or to commiserate with when things don't...without someone who brings out the best possible version of yourself...
MALIKAH: You sound quite enamored of the married life. Do you have someone in mind for your future marriage?
HUBERT: ...! I'm only stating what I've learned from observing the successful marriages I've run across! Nothing more! Don't misread my intentions, Captain!
MALIKAH: Well, you heard him, Cheria. Marriage is a wonderful thing. Don't you agree?
CHERIA: ....
[CHERIA imagines herself and ASBEL in wedding garb, laughing as they run towards each other]
HUBERT: Cheria?
CHERIA: Huh? Oh, right. Marriage. Yeah, sure, you should marry someone if you want. I can't imagine doing it myself...
HUBERT: Um...Cheria?
CHERIA: Waiting until you've completed all the things you want to do would be pretty selfish, wouldn't it...?
MALIKAH: *Sigh*